I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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