Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
