If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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