i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
