i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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