He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
