Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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