Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
