just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
