i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
