you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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