I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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