Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
