ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
