If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
