I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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