the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
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