can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
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she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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