Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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