I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
