She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I need moral support for this bender
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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