i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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