The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
