I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I need water and some morals
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