I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
