I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
