too bad you live with your parents still
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
