just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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