Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
