Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
