I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I FOUND THE LEGS
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
