Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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