i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
