My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
