I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
