You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
