Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
