Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
