Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
