i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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