i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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