im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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