woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
