Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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