I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
