DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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