your parents love me but you hate me
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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