I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
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he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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