So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
