1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
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My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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