Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
