just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
