The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
